Wading thro' th' ensanguin'd field....
Now it's 2010, at least we're closer to 2012.
I'm sick of reading people's arguments online. No matter what the subject..there's a billion stupid arguments to accompany it. Even checking out a weather article could result in reading an argument (just scroll down to read a comment or two). Nearly all arguments tend to whirl around these subjects in a neverending spiral fashion:
race
religion
democrats-liberals
republicans-conservatives
You can count on someone hurling a Hitler/Nazi insult every single time (thus diminishing the sting of such an insult). You know, that's not even a good insult anymore..really. It's obviously a waste of time to read all of these arguments so nowadays I navigate away pretty quickly. I have found myself caught in a Web Spell before, reading through pointless arguments that are clearly going nowhere. I just end up getting mad because people are so stupid and then I feel stupid for having invested time in watching them act stupid. Not worth it. It's not rare for one or two individuals to interject a common sense post in the middle of such an argument but not surprisingly, their information (and links) are almost always ignored. Perhaps I find the democrat vs. republican flame wars to be the saddest of all...99% of the time people are just arguing over rhetoric. That's just a personal identification-pride issue for the most part. While it once seemed entertaining to watch two individuals insulting one another sexually and physically threatening one another over long skewed terminology, I find it obnoxious now. It's all too common and every argument more or less follows the same pattern. I suppose I've read my fair share of arguments that have absolutely nothing to do with politics, religion or race. Most of these arguments were basically dick waving contests; I know more than you do about x subject, I own x amount of x item and you don't own any. And I can't safely say that such arguments didn't sometimes devolve into 'my race is better than your race' arguments (typically after the "poser" insult was used). Stupid. I can't help but mentally flog myself now for even writing about this subject. I've written about it before and then erased all of the text, replaced it with something else. Perhaps I've done that one too many times and therefore I feel like I must commit some kind of write-up..break free of this particular wheel. I try to avoid online arguing myself and I'm very successful. I don't even like getting into religious/political mini-debates as they have the potential to turn into internet arguments. Then I'm wasting all of this time thinking about my reply and wasting even more time typing out that reply and awaiting my opponent's reply. If I'm going to be talking online I'd much rather be updating this journal, talking to people I care about or enjoying small conversations/idea exchanges via livejournal and flickr comments.
At times I forget just how many songs are lodged in my brain. I can see a song title or hear a song's opening and remember the entire song within a few seconds. I guess I'm bragging but I don't know if I personally enjoy all of these songs taking up my precious brain space. I have lots of bad songs in there too..songs I hate and have always hated. I suppose all of these songs are organized in some way..chronologically maybe. Lyric-wise, I'm not as sharp. I don't remember the lyrics to songs very easily but the melodies are there, mostly intact, and the song structures aren't too much of a challenge to recall (most of these songs are pop/rock songs). It doesn't take much to trigger a memory either. Do I really need all of these songs in there? No. But I can't get rid of them and therefore they'll remain..somewhat neatly organized. I wish I could melt down a bunch of the throwaway brain folders in order to make some space for more important things. Then I'd have a little vat of completely mixed (and stirred) songs.
2 parts Cannibal Corpse*ok these melodies aren't hanging around but I want it out all the same
1 part Funday Mornings
1 scoop of the bridge in "Every Other Time" by LFO
4 parts Green Day
6 batches of big alternative rock songs from 1996/1997
2 scoops of Emo dabbling
1 part Creed
9 cups of recycling bin J-pop
5 heaps of happy hardcore
3 cups of Soulfly
All of these would probably sound great mixed together! That clean-up would barely be noticeable.
The idea that pops in my head so often, "knowing what to do/not knowing what to do", is amusing. OK, well most of the time it's frustrating because I get entangled and thrash about in confusion but at other times, when things are perhaps just still enough but my mind is still chattering, I find the idea absurd (and then it's funny). A thought occurred to me on a rainy SUNday..."I have next to nothing, yet I worry about everything." That's also quite funny. I have no mortgage, no children, no credit, no debt, etc, yet I worry about the future in so many ways. I can break this down into two things; Fear of Death & Searching. Time-wasting/life-wasting is essentially Fear of Death and Searching is a deep inward questing that manifests itself in picking a career or moving somewhere or doing something to secure a comfortable life. Death is inevitable and questing until death also seems inevitable. Therefore, I must stop the worrying because, it is not only useless (I don't gain anything except more "what ifs"), but destructive in the sense that it turns my attention away from the present. But some worrying is impossible to curtail obviously and I don't desire to cut myself off emotionally from everything (would be incredibly difficult to do so anyways). It's just the small worries; myriads of small worries covering the inner walls of my brain, activated easily. Even funnier was the fact that I wrote the above over a contemplative breakfast, comforted by a William Byrd compilation...the mood falling to pieces maybe an hour and a half later. I was then scurrying around to find some form that I was going to mail out, typing somewhat furiously for a bit..in distress, panicky and alarmed..the digital clock was silently ticking at what seemed like twice the speed. See, even when I have the very honest intention of letting the universe have it's way (merely riding along or dancing with it) I make an assumption that I'm going to be holding the reigns (or at least feel like I'm holding the reigns). I rushed out the door, drove to work with a bit of a scattered mind while listening to one of the speedier Blind Guardian albums. I passed this big billboard clock and there appeared the mysterious 11:11, laughing at me. But I did quite good in all honesty. I forced worries out of my brain with silent and spoken commands and didn't over-analyze my mistakes. In that sense, I gave up control...at least some of it. While vacuuming the customer lobby I encountered a fellow male..either my age or younger. Merely watching him walk over to his mail box got my brain analyzing. He was kind of pudgy, a reddish Scot Ian goatee-thing hanging on his face. He was wearing sunglasses and a winter hat, a sports jersey (no coat) and baggy jeans. His body language made me think, "brute..not graceful in movement whatsoever." Upon finding his mail box empty he cursed loudly and walked back over his incoming wet boot prints..back out into the cold. A few years ago I would've had a real problem with this. I felt like such behavior and dress would undoubtedly overtake me as I got older. I know, that sounds stupid..it wasn't very thought out at the time. Think, part revulsion-part identify crisis (an add a fear of machismo). This was something that Anthony and myself worried about often, nervously laughed off while running from. It seemed like it was impossible to be 24, 25, 26 and not yet assimilated by "the brute." I guess we figured we'd care less about our personal style or interests, and with our "shields down" we'd begin to embrace this Male Default Setting. Like, the older we got..the closer we'd come to being MEN, the more force we'd have to use to resist the change and the sillier and more awkward we would appear in doing so (if that makes any sense to any one...). Anyways, you can imagine how much we hated, just totally despised in every way, this "brute" character. He was our future, lest we preserve our fresh adolescence by being in a band, making music. See, becoming successful with a band was a bit of an exit..we could be childmen forever (or so we believed harharhar). Watching this guy stomp over to his mailbox led to much reflection and I was soon thinking about how the "brute" and myself co-exist on a level plane. Let's say that he identifies more with Ares, while my god of choice is Apollo. I can be an Apollo for years to come..no need to put down my golden lyre and jump on a four-wheeler. There is still much to be said of 'manhood' and 'men'..none of which I'm certain about (I'll sort through pieces of it in another entry).
A Lot Is Happening:
Realizing how I make a kind of instillation upon my bed when leaving the house. I pile a bunch of things on my bed to prevent my dog from going up there while I'm out. I've begun to assemble these objects differently each and every time now and I kind of want to take some photos
I've got something printed in an upcoming issue of Taffy Hips and something in an upcoming issue of a Canadian newspaper, Free Drawings
I am embarking on an adventure to NJ to meet up/hang out with Lisa tomorrow
I am calling a financial aid administrator..fucking seriously nervous about this. I'll make sure to stay off of dieoff.org a few days before doing so..easier to feel like "Yeah, career! Here I come!!"
Zach and myself are probably 80% (or more) finished composing our very first song. This is really meaningful to me. I haven't written or co-written a complete song in 2 years or so.
I "remixed" an old drawing that had been hanging out in my "drafts and ideas" folder for about two years haha. And I didn't copy anything over onto a fresh sheet of paper either, I added tasty 2009 elements.
Horoscope said "don't move too fast on New Years Eve" and that was some pretty sound advice, as it ended up snowing for most of yesterday day. I drove like a real pro, except for this one thing..just kind of slid into the curb in slo-motion. It was rather unavoidable. Zach and myself celebrated New Years by talking, talking and talking. That is, until 10 PM when we sat down to watch two different Times Square celebrations (Dick Clark with spray-on tan, slurring). Zach discovered that, even though he doesn't get cable anymore, he somehow gets TBN. So we "rang in" the new year with a lengthy infomercial for TBN's
Holyland Experience. Paul Crouch was wearing a black blazer with some kind of Oriental dragon-generic tribal tattoo design on the left shoulder. Paul Crouch's wardrobe is proof that his god doesn't exist. We did watch the ball drop but it was somehow less funny than it was last year. I dunno..I was hoping for some surprises
A Bit Late Aren't You..
Uhh..I don't really want to do the Year End Review thing. I review days, weeks, months, on a weekly basis. I was going to run a list of 2009 Journal Entry Titles but then it felt kind of stupid. I don't think I want to do an Albums of the Decade list...it would be rather small and mostly made up of metal releases. Besides, isn't the whole "decade" thing incorrect anyways? I believe 2001 was the real beginning of the millennium..if you want to get technical. I don't care about Newsworthy Events of 2009 or Celebrity Deaths of 2009. 2009 was better than 2008 because it was another 12 month cycle on earth in which I was still living. Comparing years would be strange because all past years are now past and as such many of the "bad" things that happened don't seem as bad to me and many of the good things that happened seem so much better. I have no New Years resolutions because I am not disciplined enough to stick to a resolution made on account of a calendar swap out. I am disciplined however, overall. That being said, I have been consciously trying to pay less attention to the news for around a month now. It is a bit difficult not visiting particular forums or clicking on some articles, especially over the course of breakfast. I am getting better though..less information to trudge through and process. I caught a glare in my eyes the other day, the sunlight bouncing off of a frozen, accidental pond. I'd process that image over a few times rather than mull over current event stuff. Another image worth processing over a few times is a new sign in the customer section of the post office. A command sign that tells customers to refrain from cell-phone usage. This is noteworthy because above the text there sits a stretched out b/w piece of clip-art showing a guy who looks like
Lupin III Reflective Walking Metal/ Reflective Techno vs. Action Movie Techno
I now really want some ambient techno cassette tapes for walking around the wildlife refuge. It would work the same way that Reflective Walking Metal works (or so I imagine). Staring at jagged snow patches adorned with scattered pine needles; just perfect for muffled kick-drums and choral synth pads doing simple things. I might even just go through the painstaking process of recording mp3 to tape in order to acquire some walkman-compatible music for my nature walks. Much in the same way that I don't walk around listening to Exumer or Sodom while on a stroll, I wouldn't listen to any action-movie techno. Not that I really listen to any action-movie techno anyhow but you know, the ADHD Aphex Twin stuff wouldn't work so well. I think there is an urgency line and when something crosses that urgency line I might begin walking faster or moving faster..maybe I'll want to run. This is not suitable. I want to be lulled into a trance-like state while walking and observing. Yeah, I do walk without headphones on OK and I do appreciate little bird chirps and rustling leaf noise and duck splashings but there is something I find really enjoyable about applying music to the outdoors. It's a mood heightener. I like pasting a soundtrack (one that only I can hear) onto moving images, blowing winds, changing shadows and etc. Perhaps I feel godlike at times, as if nature is my set(?) or maybe I just like to paint (by way of music), adding on to what's already there. I have even been thinking about buying cheap canvas and bringing my paints (non-musical) outside to the wildlife refuge. I don't know what would happen but that's perhaps what's so appealing about it. It would be very odd and unpredictable. I probably need to do this before I come up with 108 reasons not to do it.
Beautiful Metal Songs For Winter Bird Watching
*note:some of these have only been applied in my imagination
1.Skepticism-The Gallant Crow
2.Immortal-As the Eternity Opens
3.maudlin of the Well-Catharsis of Sea Sleep and Dreaming Shrines
4.Ulver-VI
5.Sacramentum-Cries From a Restless Soul
6.My Dying Bride-Symphonaire Infernus Et Spera Empyrium
7.Enslaved-Vetrarnótt
8.Utumno-I Cross the Horizon
Current Music: cathedral-reaching happiness, touching pain 
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